Perhaps I am behind the times so you may have already found this. But, if not, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read it. You won’t be sorry. It ranks up there with the Smithsonian Letter on the scale of all that is hilarious.
Once the tears of laughter evaporate and your kid stops questioning your mental state, come back and take the poll about your complaining experiences. (Ok… yes, I really just wanted to play with the polls feature so humor me.)
So, without further ado: Yahoo! News.
(Your mind had better have instantly gone into Musical Theater mode and begun singing White Christmas or I will begin to think we are growing apart and that we hardly share a brain any more!)
Yes… 17 inches by the non-standard measurement via my snow-shovel-turned-ruler. I’m now on a steady IV drip of Nuprin (“little, yellow, different”… ah, wonderful little nibblets of comfort from yesteryear). But we are free to leave the building at will. And now for photographic evidence (camera-phone style due to our MIA digital camera).
A good mower knows no season!
Shorty after this shot was taken we began the dance-of-the-hated-mitten, toddler style; wherein I cruelly made the squirrel monkey wear the mittens he so detested and then didn’t stop shoveling when he ripped them off in a most theatrical fashion and got his hands snowy and cold. (Because it is clearly my fault that snow on bare skin is so uncomfortable and that mittens are so dreadful.)
And, now that we’ve had our fun, time to melt the damn snow so preschool reopens and Momma gets some sanity time!
I’ve been tagged by a few on this so I’m posting on Facebook and here on my blog. I guess you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. Yeah, I’m not going to do that. You don’t need the pressure either, right. I will, however, eagerly read what you post should you chose to play.
Ok. Here goes:
1) I won a Grand Champion 4-H ribbon in every project I ever finished in time to submit. (That qualifier there at the end is kinda key.)
2) North Dakota and Alaska are the only two states in the US I have not visited.
3) I still don’t have my passport.
4) My friendship with two of my three best friends spans more then 20 years each. It’s almost as long with the third. I consider myself lucky.
5) I never outgrew my attraction to bad boys. I have, however, learned to distinguish between bad and evil.
6) I will develop a crush on just about anyone named Antonio. The faster his car, the harder I’ll crush.
7) I cry when I’m pissed, which makes me madder, so I cry harder.
8) I love everything about vegetables short of eating them. I really want to enjoy eating them. Alas, I do not.
9) I once followed a Blood Type Diet for several weeks based entirely on guessing my own blood type. (For the record, I guessed correctly.)
10) I possess a singular Super Power: The ability to find convenient parking nearly any where. This power is fairly useless in central Indiana, where there are acres of parking.
11) I can puke on demand. I aced a self defense class because of it.
12) I have stayed up all night playing Mahjong. A coupla times. I have no idea where or when I learned to play.
13) A few of the wires in my senses are crossed and sometimes I feel sounds that I should be hearing. I didn’t realize until recently that this has a name, “synthesia.” Turns out my kind is super boring. There are some way cool kinds though.
14) I bought my house when I was 23 years old. I still live here. I think by now I officially own the front porch outright.
15) I am printed/published dozens of times each year and I’m still amazed that people pay me to do this. My dark fear is that every time I submit an invoice I wonder if this is the time they’ll have figured out I have no idea what I am doing and refuse to pay me. Game over.
16) I didn’t choose being a parent. It chose me. I’m grateful every day that it did.
17) My son is named after a cartoon strip. He’s living up to the challenge. I only have myself to blame.
18) My mom always told me that I would have only one child. She is right. I’d be totally ok with that if it weren’t for the fact that it makes her right.
19) I have threatened to punish my child with “the scary duck” bathtub toy (because he’s scared of the duck but clearly not of me or of time outs). And I have video, should I ever find my missing camera.
20) I harbor a dark and unnatural crafty place. I secretly want my own Etsy shop but I fear that more deadlines and more pressure to produce might break me in a way that no chocolate, caffeine, red wine and/or prescription for anti-depressants could cure.
21) I am completely unable to sit through an entire DVD without something to keep my hands busy. I have no trouble making it through a movie at the theater though.
22) About once a month I come up with a new “system” to get organized. I never make it through the 21 days needed to make it a habit. I think I just like making up systems.
23) I once spent $3,000 on a sofa that is now covered in sippy cup spills and dog hair.
24) I grew up catholic. I don’t observe the religion and disagree with many of its doctrine but still consider myself catholic. The pope, however, does NOT consider me catholic.
25) I really want to participate in an Adventure Race but have no idea where to start to make that happen.
Ok… Welcome to the cobwebs. That’s all ya get for now.
I’m wondering if every kid has some sort of core question. It’s like their Go-To question. The Squirrel Monkey is a total “why?” kid. It’s been obvious since the very first time he could wrap his mouth around the word. He’s not satisfied to know that something just is. He has a genuine need to understand why. And he asks constantly.
I rarely have the answer. So far I’ve been able to resist just making stuff up. Can’t hold out much longer.
My niece Madison, on the other hand… total “What?” kid. Here’s the latest example:
Madison: Mommy!
My sister: Oh, Madison! Let’s get you out of there.
Madison: My head is stuck (she got her head stuck in the bottom of the curio cabinet, which is where the stuffed puppies hang out)
My sister: How did you get stuck in there?
Madison: My head was stuck.
My sister: I know! But WHY was your head in there?
Madison: It got stuck.
My sister: I know that! Why was your head in there in the first place?
Madison: Because my booty wouldn’t fit.
I think for Halloween next year, we should make her “Literal Girl: Super Hero!”
We missed much of the pomp and circumstance of Tuesday’s Inauguration Day. We were flying home from our Disney Adventure (see upcoming post “Keeping your Cool in the Happiest Place on Earth”) during the event itself. However, the toddler-among-us did not miss out on the energy around the man of the hour.
All on his own, the Squirrel Monkey picked up on the news broadcasters mantra of the moment: Barack Obama!
For now, our newest president offers this particular toddler the opportunity to say a fun name. My hope is that his presidential legacy will provide a host of opportunities for my child as he grows into a man, most importantly to be proud of his country.
Oh… and it doesn’t hurt that this little video sent the Engineer on a desperate yet fruitless search for Ayn Rynd in toddler friendly board book format. Silly man! It’s the little things that bring so much joy.
Have I told you about our exciting new development around here? A past.
More importantly, conversations about things that have occurred in the past.
This exercise, while exciting, is a bit of a puzzle. This is how I imagine Psychics must operate. You get these little fragments of detail presented completely out of context and it’s never easy to identify what’s real and what might have occurred recently on, say, Curious George.
So, over the weekend, the squirrel monkey randomly told me “i scaredy at school.” He also told me that he was an excavator, that Aunt Kari was standing in our hallway and that every member of our immediate family was coming to bring him “presents.” But the “scaredy” thing came up several times, completely out of the blue.
And I’d ask him why. Sometimes he’d follow-up with something like “Miss Chrissy” as or “truck beeping.”
Mostly, he’d leave it at “I scaredy at school” and move on to more important topics like trucks or the damn building set from the high shelf that he is absolutely obsessed over because it has wheels and a screw driver. (Thank you for that, Uncle Steve.)
Anyway… I actually remembered to ask when I dropped him off at school today.
I asked if something had happened with the construction crew that’s working on the new church extension during school on Thursday. With all the truck references, I thought maybe a dump truck bed had slammed or something. I told them exactly what he was saying.
Turns out the fire alarm went off on Thursday and the Squirrel Monkey got particularly freaked out over it.
So, when he said, “Trucks beeping” it was because his teachers told him the construction work made the fire alarm go off (from dust build up they think). And when he’d say “Miss Chrissie” it was because she was the one who comforted him and told him that the fire alarm was off now and that it would be ok.
And now… come to think of it, he kept talking about the fire alarm being “off” over the weekend too. But I thought that had to do with the Engineer installing the new programmable thermostat and the new fire/carbon monoxide alarm while he was here to visit.
That boy really doesn’t miss much.
Now I think I’m the one a little “scaredy.”
Tonight we met our friends Jen and Ellie for dinner. They had suggested a pizza place. On the way there, the squirrel monkey and I discussed going out to dinner (not to mention restaurant manners). Here’s a segment of that conversation:
Mommy: We are going to eat dinner with Ellie and Jen tonight. Won’t that be fun.We’re going to eat dinner at a restaurant.
Squirrel Monkey: Chicken! Nuggets!
Mommy: You had chicken nuggets yesterday.
Squirrel Monkey: I like chicken nuggets, Mommy.
Mommy: I know, buddy. But no chicken nuggets tonight. How about pizza?
Squirrel Monkey (Using his best lets-find-a-compromise-here tone): Ummm, Mommy? How ’bout chicken nuggets?
NOTE: No chickens were harmed in the making of this story. And, for the record, we really do go out to eat rarely. It just happens that this time it was two days in a row. I swear I’m not feeding my child chicken nuggets every day!!!
Do you wear contacts? I do. And I have crazy astigmatism (probably from sitting too close to the tv set as a kid). I need visual aid just to find my way from bathroom sink to bed. It’s 8 steps. As such, I have to wear the unfashionable and equally uncomfortable gas permeable lenses. (My dad likes to call these “hard contact lenses”. He also believes “sugar diabetes” is counterbalanced by “salt diabetes.” There you go.)
For those reading through the comfortable view from your soft lenses: When a gas perm lens slips off, it some how slips around to the part of the eye inside the head and suctions itself there. (You’re getting squeamish now, aren’t ya?) It feels kinda like a tiny Barbie icepick. Fun stuff, that.
This scenario plays out regularly. I’ve been wearing contacts for 22 years. There is something entirely panic-inducing about a rogue contact slipping out of your reach, particularly when that out-of-reach place is your own eye socket. I’m not naive enough to worry about it slipping into my brain. Silly. I do fear that said rogue contact will suction itself to the back of my eyeball and I will require emergency intervention. And I clearly can’t drive myself to the hospital (because I have a “must wear her contacts” restriction on my drivers license. Duh!)
It hasn’t happened yet.
It probably will. Some day.
I made dinner tonight.
Yes, real dinner. In the oven.
I cleaned up right after dinner.
I never clean up right after dinner (while the toddler is awake).
The kitchen is clean. For once.
Not sure why I’m surprised to find that it has snowed in my family room.
So, that’s what 5 ounces of Caldesene powder looks like spread across a 13X15 foot room. A pretty good bargain really. Certainly appears like it would’ve covered a substantial rashy-booty surface area.
Ok… deep breath… time to find the vacuum cleaner attachments.
I went into this holiday season with a vision. Not of the perfect holiday feast. Not of the idyllic moments with the family gathered around the tree. Not of any wonderful gift I’d secretly lusted after whilst telling everyone “Oh, I have everything I need. Don’t waste your money on me.” No, my mental clarity centered around… wait for it… the Christmas Card photo.
In this photo, my beautiful blue-eyed boy would sport the latest in Mommy’s handknitted outerwear and a simple unadorned t-shirt chosen specifically to bring out the blue tones in his eyes. And my tool for this pictorial masterpiece: the JC Penny’s Portrait Studio (and my handy little $7 “complete portrait package” coupon).
But I’m not going to tell you about the comedy of errors that results from combining a rambunctious toddler and the portrait studio. Frankly, Faemom does it better here anyway.
And I’m not going to tell you about the Mission Impossible I sent myself on when I decided my child must wear a solid colored long sleeved t-shirt WITHOUT any graphics whatsoever. (If you have little kids, you probably already know this pipe dream. If you don’t, live in blissful ignorance.)
I will tell you that after 15 years of coordinating photo shoots for publication, I consider this to be my greatest achievement. Uncooperative model, locked-inside-the-box photographer and uninspired set options aside, I was able to bully my fantasy into reality for the price of a mere $7 a package. Of course, the downside is that we may have to torture the photographers at Sears Portrait Studio next time since we are not exactly be welcome back at Penny’s for awhile.
Without further ado… What better time to reveal this holiday masterpiece than a week after Christmas.
It's wrong that my toddler walks around talking about pom poms, isn't it?
