I NEED this! August 28, 2007

Lookie what I found on HungryGirl today. The SmartShopper! And smart it is…

It slices. It dices. It juliennes. WAIT… that’s something else. My bad. No the SmartShopper is way better.

It listens. It organizes. It even prints grocery or errand lists out. Heck… if it were good in bed, I’d hardly need The Engineer anymore.

Can’t you just see the computer that lives in Goofy’s House of the Future handing the SmartShopper to the old Goofus on his way out the door of a morning?!?

I think this could be just the gadget that I’ve been waiting all my domestic life for (ok… you called me, my domestic life really only started 6-months ago, but still). Keep your PDAs. Keep your crackberry with camera phone. Get me the SmartShopper!

I say to you today, my friends and devoted readers, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I have a dream…. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream… that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of Convenience Mart.

I have a dream… that one day Errand Day and Market Day will live together in peace; without violence, cursing, tears or procrastination.

I have a dream… that everyone regardless of race, creed or income, can enjoy a shopping experiece that is neatly printed and effortlessly organized by location in the store.

I have a dream… that evey single errand can be run without having to make even one left hand turn.

No disprespect to MLK there. He had a fabulous dream. My life is simplier but my dream no less powerful.

I know at least one of you out there benefits from the food of my kitchen, the clean laundry of my scary spider-hangout basement, the entertainment of my blog. Nothing says “thanks” like the nift-o-matic SmartShopper… available for just $149.99 at a website near you.

Whose Life is This?!? August 28, 2007

On my front porch sits a mangled and slobber-soaked diaper box.

My dining room features a carrot-smeared high chair.

I have burp rags and bottle lids lining my headboard, where massage oils and scented candles once sat.

In order to take a shower, I have to disentangle a bionic-swivel tub contraption and then remove a dozen rubber floaty vehicles; although, in moments of sheer exhaustion I’ve been know to step around them. (Shhh… don’t tell!)

I haven’t worn non-sensible shoes or “chic” make-up in months. (I don’t even get spam e-mails from Sephora anymore; I must be dead to them.)

I believe there is oatmeal in my hair, which has been recently highlighted but not recently brushed.

And… today… I CANNED A BUSHEL OF TOMATOES, well at least completed the first and most labor-intensive step in the process.

Turns out, formula costs about $2k a year, meaning my extravagant and near-daily Borders and Starbucks habits of my previous life were the first to go. The library I can live with. But the way that I see it… now that I have my own copious supply of tomato sauce–For FREE– I can buy back my designer coffee. Even Steven. Spaghetti sauce jar for mocha cup.

I may not be fully back in the Chris-saddle but—Put the Kettle On, Sally—because I’M ON MY WAY!

A Deliciously-Nasty Bakers Dozen August 22, 2007

Aren’t you always surprised when something sounds so nasty that you throw up a little in your mouth just at the mere suggestion of it and yet it turns out to be taste-o-rific? While I’m not the most adventuresome Foodie out there, I will give most things at least a bite. When that bite turns into a party in my mouth… well, who isn’t for that, right?

 

Here are my top 12 (plus one) deliciously nasty taste sensations:

 

• Barbeque Eel Sushi Roll (raw fish, seaweed, fish egg, who even thought of this… They have my eternal thanks!)
• Red Bean Ice Cream
• Fried Chicken Livers
• Brownie Mix made with a can of black beans
• Sweet Potato Fries
• Blackberry crumble with balsamic and basil (animalvegetablemiracle.com/recipes.html)
• Chocolate-covered Cricket (ok… “chocolate covered” shouldn’t really be on this list since chocolate overrides whatever it is paired with. Still, IT’S A BUG!)
• Hummus
• Duck Egg Moon Cake
• Zucchini Bread/Carrot Cake (or anytime you hide a veggie in a dessert item)
• Larb (Thai minced chicken salad with mint and lime)
• Oysters on the Half Shell
• Goose-liver pate

Weekend Not-To-Do List… August 17, 2007

This Weekends Not-To-Do List:

1. Do not answer unrecognized phone calls
2. Do not e-mail first thing in the morning or last thing at night
3. Do not agree to meetings or calls with no clear agenda or end time
4. Do not let people ramble—forget “how’s it going?” and embrace “what’s up?”
5. Do not check e-mail constantly—“batch” and check at set times only
6. Do not over-communicate with low-profit, high-maintenance customers
7. Do not work more to fix overwhelm—prioritize
8. Do not carry a cellphone or Crackberry 24/7, seven days a week—make evenings and/or Saturdays digital leash-free.
9. Do not expect work to fill a void that non-work relationships and activities should

I don’t know if you’re like me… but I seemed to go through life in one direction (albeit a twisty, turny direction), at full speed none-the-less, for, like, ever and then LIFE unexpectedly throws up a roadblock that says “Slow the *Crack* Down!”

My yield sign is called Calvin.

The minute I’m hankerin’ to get back on the Life Autobahn, the message arrives via batting baby-blues-under-black-lash Morris code–challenging, “Really? You want to go back to that? Were you really so much better, so much happier at hyperspeed? Aren’t I just too cute? Wanna sit down on the floor and play with me?” And, I check my rearview mirror and slowly back off the on-ramp and recommit to our horse-and-buggy pace of life.

Funny thing about slowing down. You see how absurd it is to live at hyperspeed. I can multi-task with the best of them but I never did it so well that everything I touched got 100 percent. I feel hypocritical when I find myself so disconnected from, and often annoyed by those who still live like this. I wish I had the power to influence them the way Calvin affects me. “Don’t I deserve your full attention?”

Anyway, today I found the list above taken from a book titled, “The 4-Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss. He suggests that it’s hip to focus on getting things done, but it’s only possible once we remove the constant static and distraction. If you have trouble deciding what to do, just focus on not doing to re-focus. Different means, same end. Embrace the anti-Nike: Just don’t do it.

It’s alot harder to do than it looks! Still, I’m willing to give it a try because I think the people in my life are probably worth it.

Calvin and the State Fair, a Photo Essay August 16, 2007

“Our state fair is a great state fair“… or however that song really goes. Around these parts, the Fourth of July brings corn as tall as an elephants eye and August brings the State Fair. Amy and I have a tradition when it comes to the State Fair… pig out on pork at the tent directly in front of the Swine barn (excellent pork bbq PLUS a political statement… yowzers!), eat as much fried dough as you can hold, walk down 4-H memory lane and ohh and ahh at all the baby farm animals. Despite crazy heat this year, we weren’t going to miss the opportunity to take Vin for his first State-Fair-a-palooza.

Where we took a few minutes to sit a spell and take it all in…

There was alot to see and little time, so first things first… don the prerequisite John Deer hat…

…and explore Farm Life. Amy, of course, took right to the chicken coop to act out her fantasy as a chicken farmer.

Then it was time to hop on the old John Deer tractor and head over to the milkin’ barn…

The Milking was hard because some of us (not the mom) are afraid of milkin’ parts…

With the farm work done, it was time to see some real animals. We saw the worlds Largest boar, piglets, cows, chickens and rabbits (you can’t get the rare Rabbit Fever more than once in your life, right?)…

Some bunnies were ok to touch. Some bunnies were apparently giant, carnivorous man eaters (ever read Bunicula?)…

Calvin helped Amy shop for baby chicks…

… but he seemed more facinated by how the ducklings would fall asleep in their water dish…

Finally, as an ominous storm approached, it was time to hit the horticulture building (“You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think” -Dorothy Parker hahaha)…

And, of course, it is genetically impossible for us to pass through the State Fair without a stop at the tomato contest display. “Does this one look like a winner, Pappaw?”…

Finally, it was time for a little rest on the Prized, prickly hay before we called it a day…

I guess what they say about Christmas is true for the State Fair too… the magic is back when you experience it through your child. I think it was a good day for all. We don’t have a photo of the true wrap up of the day because we all sacked out and there was no one to take the picture. Oh well… next year.

When Good Toddlers Go Bad August 13, 2007

Here she is—the Defendant—my nearly 2-year-old Niece Madison off to her first day of “school” (although Mommy is the one off to teach school and she’s off to daycare) sporting her new “Pack pack.” It doesn’t get any cuter than this little angel, right?

 

 

I introduce into evidence the following e-mail my sister sent out last night:

 

“Madison and I had a true Terrible Two moment today. Today was the last day before school starts and I only had a million things to do. I had to take Madison with me, where else would I leave her?

 

We went into one store and the saleslady commented on what an angel she was. She was following directions and saying “thank you mommy”. We process to J.C. Penny’s to find some work clothes for mommy. I am not sure what happened to my sweet angel as we entered the packed store. We could not find a cart so Madison runs around like she has never been in a store before. She was running, screaming, pulling tags off things and laughing the whole time. I finally found a cart and tried to put her in it. She started screaming bloody murder. We calmly discussed the buckle and she agreed to be quiet and stay in the seat if I did not buckle her. Uh Right! I took no more than three steps and she was out running around again.

 

Any advice for the next year ahead?????”

 

What crime is this angelic little devil being accused of? Of being a Good-Toddler-Gone-Bad, of course!

 

I hope she doesn’t kill me for outing her this way, but the part of the story that is not reflected in that e-mail from this Sister o’Mine is that one of the sales clerks actually came up to her and suggested that she might want to leave the store. Clearly this woman was not comfortable around or knowledgeable about life with a toddler.

 

Frustrated, embarrassed and up against a non-negotiable back-to-school deadline, my poor sister was at her wits end. Madison wanted to leave the store. She got what she wanted. Where was the lesson in this?

 

Kari moved on to the next store on the list and made the Tantrum Queen keep shopping. I call it a win. Parenting a strong-willed, uncivilized toddler like my adorable niece has to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet.

 

Google “temper tantrum” and you’ll find page after page of advice on NOT GIVING IN. That’s all well and good for when the child wants a toy they can’t have or a piece of candy. What do you do when the child is seeking something more abstract… like getting out of shopping?

 

There have to be answers out there for those of us who are the sole caregiver and have no choice but to take our demons out in public. (Of course, my little angel will never throw a temper tantrum in public. Wink. Nudge. But, if he does, hopefully my sister will have already ferreted out the answer on this parenting debacle).

 

But for nothing else, there’s always reassurance in knowing that each public embarrassment with our child/children wins us back 2 lost points in the Momma of the Year contest. So, Kari… karma has forgiven you for pinching Madison’s leg with the car seat buckle and at least one other parental transgression. You’re back in the running, girlfriend!!!!

List of Firsts… August 10, 2007

It’s been a busy week. Calvin has had a number of firsts…

His first political protest (against our ridiculous property tax hike).

His first temper tantrum (because I wouldn’t let him eat a piece of paper).

His first face plant on the hardwoods (because what better time to get a goose egg on your forhead than the day before your mom has scheduled to take you for a photo shoot).

And now…

HIS FIRST TOOTH. Can you see it? No, there is more than drool there. Look closer. See it? See it?!

Yeah, I cried. My baby isn’t really an infant any more.